12 April 2017

Love with hindsight

Friendship is the most amazing thing in the world. It's incredible to meet someone and develop such a bond with them. I have friends I've known for over 20 years and friends who I've met last year but, I love them all the same. 

I think friendship is much like a romantic relationship - sometimes you just have this amazing spark from outset and you know it's BFFs from here on in. Friendship is fantastic- find someone amazing & you will always feel loved, uplifted and supported. Friendship can be so intimate and heart-wrenching, to the point you feel the other's pain just by looking in their eyes. 

The side of friendship that no one talks about however is the loss. When you've been to such high heights of an amazing friendship, when things go pear shaped it's hard to figure out where things go to. Where does the love, the adoration, the laughs and most of all, the memories go to? This is something I've really struggled with over the past year. 

When a friendship has been so full of great times, when things turn sour there's no way to deal with it in a graceful manner. Believe me, I've tried. Unlike breaking up with a significant other, it feels completely different. In my experience, friendship breakups don't have the same bitterness as romantic ones - just sheer heartache. 

I've broken up with friends I never thought I would for senseless reasons and with hindsight, probably the friendship breakups could have been preventable if communication was better. 

Not every friend I've broken up with makes me feel like my heart has been torn out. I'm grateful for what I learned from some friendships. Some I just grew apart from and moved in a different direction and some, quite frankly I was glad to be rid of - that toxic kind that you never quite knew how to say goodbye to. 

The kind of friendship breakup I'm talking about in this post is the kind that still sometimes makes you sad. I genuinely would say I've had to grieve for friendships - loosing a piece of your life that was always there is no mean feat. Sometimes I see ex-friends on Facebook or hear through other friends about their life and I feel sad that I'm not part of that anymore. If you loved someone so deeply, I don't know if that ever goes away. It's that horrendous feeling of bumping into an ex-friend. I've done it - passed myself with lots of smiles & "my life is great" but you know the other person knows you are lying because they've seen the real you. The same encounters have usually ended in a tear stained car journey home. 

I don't think that love ever truly disappears. It's other worldly. But loving an ex-friend with hindsight is a big hurdle to get over. In the end, the breakup doesn't matter - if you still look at someone and wish them the best & want all the success in the world for them, then some love remains there. Even though the friendship might be long gone, it's a great feeling to know you were part of someone's journey and them of yours.