Instagram

Emotional baggage: Mary buys me Mary


I signed off yesterday's post with "I'm off to clean out my wardrobe" and I did exactly that. However, it was not the pleasant and cleansing experience I had hoped for. I regularly clear out, at least once a season so I'm very familiar with things getting too big or small and having to get rid of them. I've come to terms with the fact that my weight has gone up and down a lot over the past couple of years but over the past few months I have lost a good bit of weight. More than this, my body shape has changed, or maybe rather I've actually got a shape now! I am bustier that I've ever been and my big bum and hips seem destined to stay but my waist and stomach area have become much smaller. Baring this in mind, I was well aware that I was about to lose some stuff from my wardrobe. I however, was not prepared for what happened. I tried on every item I own and decided if it was too big, it was time to go. I have a huge emotional attachment to clothes and I look at stuff that I wore to a certain party or when I was with a certain person and it makes me sad to let things go. My clean out was complete after about 2 hours and I realised I'd lost about a third of my wardrobe. A third of me, my memories and the past 18 months of being heavier than I'd ever been, was gone. I cried for a couple of hours. Everyone told me I should be happy to lose weight but to me, size has nothing to do with happiness. When I was in my final year at school I was very stressed and heavy but when I look back, I have amazing memories of some of the funniest times in my life. The clothes I have rid myself of this time around don't all entirely have good memories. The past 2 years of my life have been very hard. I've talked openly about my struggle with depression, and in hindsight during that time, I seemed to constantly buy clothes that were really baggy to hide behind. 

I'm glad that period in my life is gone and I suppose yesterday I cried that it's all over. It was a physical validation at the end of something that is so invisible to other people. 

Mid-crying, my poor Grandmother, called Mary (aged 75) took huge pity on me. We are a family with weight struggles so she understands how I feel. So she took it upon herself to buy me some new clothes as a gift. I discussed Frugal February with her and she understood but she also understood how miserable I felt. I now have a "no more cheap clothes" pact. I love Primark but being 5ft10, I was often buying things in a 16 or 18 so they would fit my leg or arm length but then be baggy in other places. My granny bought me 4 beautiful pieces from Mary Portas at House of Fraser. I've always loved her clothes which are aimed at the tall curvy girl- I'm clearly her prime customer! I can honestly say that every piece makes me feel lovely and I hope that once Frugal February is over, I can treat myself to some more pieces.

I hope you all don't feel cheated in this Frugal February month- but they were honestly a gift. I'm proud of the weight loss and hope any of you on a journey to lose, put on or maintain a certain weight empathise with the emotional baggage that comes with it. I will continue not to buy anything for myself for the rest of the month and as I dropped and smashed my iPhone tonight, it seems like it will be an easier task than originally imagined! 

That Belfast Girl